In the annals of political theater, we find ourselves unwitting audience members to what can only be described as the political equivalent of "The Room" meets "Battlefield Earth" – a billionaire backed production, so baffling in its execution that it defies conventional criticism.
Like any truly terrible film, this administration began with a premise that, while questionable, we could suspend our disbelief for: a reality TV personality-turned-politician promising to shake up Washington. The opening act set expectations for a certain type of narrative – controversial perhaps, but seemingly following some internal logic.
But then, inexplicably, yet not unexpectedly, the plot began to unravel.
Remember that scene in "The Happening" where we discover plants are making people commit suicide? That level of narrative whiplash has become our daily reality. Cabinet appointees contradicting established policy positions. Press briefings that contradict statements made mere hours earlier. Foreign policy initiatives announced via social media, then abandoned mid-implementation.
If this were Hollywood it would be tantamount to the screenwriters of this political drama being rotated on a hourly basis, each unaware of what the previous writers established. Characters who were villains in Act One become trusted advisors in Act Two, only to vanish without explanation in Act Three. We can expect supporting characters to resign, or be fired, at a pace that would make even the most expendable horror movie extras blush.
What's particularly maddening is that, unlike a bad movie you can't just walk out. This production affects real lives. The incoherent immigration policies, the erratic economic decisions, the bewildering approach to international relations – these aren't just plot holes; they're governance failures with tangible consequences.
In cinema, we occasionally encounter films so poorly conceived that they achieve a kind of transcendent awfulness – becoming unintentional comedies. But there's nothing amusing about diplomatic relationships fractured by impulsive decisions or vulnerable populations left in limbo by half-implemented policies, while conservitives rally in support of terrifs as middle class tax breaks.
If this were indeed just a film, critics would point out its fundamental flaws: inconsistent characterization, abandoned plot threads, contradictory themes, and dialogue that ranges from the incomprehensible to the inflammatory. It’s Rotten Tomatoes would Splatter the ratings and the directors would be accused of having no vision, the producers of mismanaging resources, and the lead actor of improvising without regard for narrative coherence.
But this isn't a film. We can't simply change the channel or demand a refund for our ticket. We're stuck in this reality improve for the full runtime, as unpaid extras who'd been promised a free lunch, watching as each new scene further dismantles any semblance of the story we were initially promised.
The greatest movies, even those with fantastic premises, maintain an internal logic – a consistency that allows viewers to remain invested. This administration has abandoned even that basic requirement of storytelling, leaving us adrift in a narrative where yesterday's plot point holds no bearing on today's developments.
In the end, this political production may well join the pantheon of legendary disasters – not because it aimed high and failed, but because it seemingly had no aim at all. And unlike a bad movie that fades from memory, the consequences of this particular flop will reverberate long after the credits roll.
At least they're fighting the good fight, protecting us from this storyline's mortal enemy and intergalactic antagonist, Canada? They're so nasty, "[they] only work as a state".
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The teaser trailer goes something like this:
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Dolly out, zoom in. Reality star, face orange with "vigor?", waves his hands rambling through his Dysarthria.
“I know more than the generals. Believe me!”
Party and cabinet members leap to their feet in unanimous applause, while the Jan 6th choir sings Justice for "All".
In the background France can been seen stealing away with the Statue of Liberty, while hundreds of millions blood thirsty terrorists cut a swath through America's backyards leaving everything, but the pets.
With special guest star, the world's richest man! "...oh, and I accidentally, very briefly, canceled Ebola prevention" ...You've been D.O.G.E'd! (leave room for laughter).
Tag line: "Have you even said thank you once?!"
Critics are saying: "...with all that money you've saved from the tariffs you'll want to see it again, and again!" and "Russian hockey fans are going to love The Man with a Very Very Large, uh...Brain."
Playing out in a theater of operations near you.